A Brand New Name

I thought if I could vilify her behavior
I'd stop grieving

I thought if I focused only on her faults
I'd stop hurting

If I remembered how she let me down
(let me count the ways)
the ache would melt

If I convinced myself that I didn't really like her
that the times she embarrassed me
or confused me
or frightened me
were all there was between us --
then my heart would brighten
my step would lighten
and I'd rejoin the land of the living

But I couldn't pull it off
she was my mother
and she was the one I could tell
my troubles to
the one who always took my side
the one I trusted my children with
the one who declared me the good mother
and bought me diamond earrings
so I wouldn't forget

When we're wrong
we can be oh so wrong
it can never be made right
so I burnt the past
like pages of a journal
warmed by the hope
I would soon float a new boat
and give it a brand new name

And maybe what it all
came down to was
I just didn't
want to feel