Missing the Magic

So, what about the secret to success?  I know all about this as I can trace the problems in this life, all that I struggle against, all that I must overcome in order to lead a decent and fulfilling existence during my short tenure on this planet to one very specific act, or lack of it, as the case is for me.  Every mistake can be traced back to a decision that at best was encouraged, and at worst was forced upon me by well-meaning adults who believed they were helping me as a young child.  It encompasses all the failures in my life and is the sole reason I am not the magical being I was destined to be.  I am ashamed to admit this, but here it is:  I stopped sucking my thumb.

Every accomplished person in the world owes his or her success to this singular activity.  Anyone who has reached any sort of acclaim or notoriety suck their thumbs.  This includes the great artists and writers, esteemed politicians, inventors, ecologists, toll booth operators, newscasters, soldiers, motion picture editors, zookeepers, multimillionaires and dictators, just to name a few.  Without exception they suck their thumbs and their varying levels of achievement can be directly related to the amount and intensity of thumb-sucking activity.

So far this cannot be proven by the scientific method because of the universal need to maintain secrecy.  Sadly, this need for concealment has led to the irrefutable effect of humankind's inability to reach the upper limits that can be reached from thumb-sucking.  The extroverted thumb-suckers in our world are completely dependent on others for information, yet the very nature of their secretive thumb-sucking practices precludes them from seeking the advice they need to develop the the path to perfection.

This is where I would have had an advantage since as an introvert, I would have had the ability along with the opportunity to develop the skill to heretofore unknown dimensions.  Besides the immediate personal benefits of wealth, poise and confidence, as well as success at any venture I adopted, the benefits that could be shared by mankind would have been immense.  For example, I could have discovered how to grow money on trees. Next I would figure how to live without it.  I would have created the perfect pen that never ran out of ink.  I would have developed an internet that was impervious to viruses.  I could have created an economic structure that would eliminate poverty in industrialized nations and then changed the weather patterns and terrain of third-world desert nations to support an over-abundance of food.

I could have discovered a cure for hatred and cruelty, for greed and pomposity.  I would have discovered a way to bottle and sell happiness, but I wouldn't give it to people who cut others off in traffic or to those who don't know how to wait their turn.  I would have figured out how to weed out ignorance.  I would have discovered the cure for AIDS and boring people.  I could have developed the ability to fly short distances without anybody noticing.  I could have made sure that the only jobs in existence were creative and adventurous, and the boring and mundane details would work themselves out.  I would have discovered how to eliminate the odor from flatulence.

I then could have developed an incredible singing voice which attracted many tropical birds from South America for kids to play with instead of video games.  I would have chronicled the great insect wars and translated their songs into Swahili. I would have figured out how to ensure stupid people never got on television.  I would have figured out a way to have some cool stuff without there being so much worthless crap.

In short, I would have reached a stage of evolution heretofore not known to humankind, but alas, I would have been unable to talk about it.